Sunshine and waves

I feel the need to post, but all I get is silence.
I feel as if I ought to speak, but words just aren't coming.
I feel the need to think clearly, but that will only make me sad.
I feel the as if I should forget it, but that's something I can't do.

Because maybe someday it won't make me grin
And maybe someday the sun will stop shining
and waves will stop crashing
and the Earth will stop spinning.

I feel like something's ending, but I need to just move on.
I feel like everything is fighting, inside the deepest part of me.
I really should know what's going on, it's just not something I'm good at.
I feel like my feelings don't even make sense, floating around inside my head and heart.

Because maybe someday it won't make me grin.
And maybe someday the sun will stop shining
and waves will stop crashing
and the Earth will stop spinning.

The Earch will stop spinning, someday far away.
The sun will stop shining before forever.
Waves won't roll anymore in someday's tomorrow.
And maybe someday I won't grin.

Busy.

When did my summer get so busy? I guess when my crazy Aunt scheduled the parties over days that I really -really- wish they weren't... Then when some person dropped out of the Jr. Leader Conferenece... Then when I found that camp was the week after... Then when I figured out that I might skip out on the fair and go to Michigan... Then when I realized that I -might- be able to work at the state fair. Then I figured out that that's basically my whole summer. I'm leaving today for Minnesota and I won't really be back until July. I'll get home for a day next week (Monday) and then a day the week after that (well kinda two, part of Friday and possibly all of Saturday.) so it's basically crazy. I'll probably die. If I do, play "I'll fly away" at the funeral for me, 'right? I'll miss everyone a lot so they should call me, but they probably don't really know that. Will be seeing you.

Hamsters and God

While having a discussion about "meant to be" and God with my great friend Nathanael, this came out. I'm told it makes sense, so I figured I'd share it.


Yeah. It's very confusing. I think he controls everything, yeah, but he's going to let us do what we want. Just if we're close to him, we'll want to do what he wants us to do. Like a hamster, it lives in a cage and its owner takes care of it. It can decide if it likes the food and if it's going to eat it. I guess that would be like salvation. Then the hamster can do whatever it wants in the cage, but if the owner moves the cage or changes it around, there's nothing the hamster can actually do about it. Then also, the owner can put another hamster in the cage with it, but it can decide if it wants to be friends with it or not. Also, the owner probably knows that the hamster is going to get out of its cage and get into trouble, so it sets up warnings for the pet, like the cage walls, but the hamster will still get out, and the owner isn't going to put it in a glass case with no seams so it doesn't get out and possibly eaten or whatever.

So yeah. I think in weird ways.

*Sigh*

Days are so weird... Today was cram packed with stuff. The big thing is that I need to figure out when it's time to say something and when it's time to shut up. Normally I just shut up about everything and complain about it to friends, but this time something needs to be done. I am the drum major, and with that comes not only the glory of pictures in the newspaper and respect (most of the time), it also comes with the responsibility to know when to step up and be in control. When to know when things are totally inappropriate or when I'm just thinking it's too much. I have a board meeting Wednesday. My director already hates me at this point... Right now I think I'm down to "boy" which is not a good place to be at. If I'm lucky he'll respect me for stepping up and being the bad guy for my corp, but most likely I'll just make him hate me more. So today basically stinks. I mean, I had a lot of fun with Jr. Leaders and it went down that I'm going to the Jr. Leader Conference next week, but this issue with my corp will not get off my mind. Many other things are also going on in my life.
Things such as I talked to Rachael today about what love means and if she thinks there one person who's your "destiny" and found that my views on that are actually quite similar to hers, which was nice because I thought I had crazy radical ideas that no one else agreed with.
So things are at both a high and low. Tomorrow is Tuesday, which is exciting. Wednesday I have a date with... Trouble, I think. Thursday I'm going to Minnesota. *sigh*

"Love is like the frosting. It's like the sugar in the cake"--Rachael in reference to relationships. It takes a lot more than simple love. I think I figured out a lot of my life today.

Eeeeeh

How many other people in the world just get those weird days where they feel ugly? Is that something that everyone gets? I realize there are people out there who always think of themself as ugly *coughsillypeoplecough* but certainly even for them some days they feel prettier or uglier than other days. Often nothing needs to happen to change your idea of how you look. Often times it's just your mood. Occasionally though, something will happen... Like weird spots of darkness on your chin... Strange.

I had a fife and drum thing yesterday. It was alright. A photographer took pictures of me when I "died" and my corp played Chester for me. It would have been more appropriate to play Parting Glass, but oh well.
Alex conuses me.
Mark is proud of me.
Terry is crazy.
People are ergh!

Thinking is overrated.

Promises

♥I promise to never make you cry♥
♥I promise to always trust you♥
♥I promise not to lie♥
♥I promise you forever♥
♥I promise you tonight♥
♥I promise you my respect♥
♥I promise to do things right♥
♥I promise to always be there♥
♥I promise until the end♥
♥I promise to be your best friend♥
♥I promise this forever♥
♥I promise our friendship is my life♥
♥you're the PEANUT to my BUTTER , ♥
♥you're the STAR to my BURST, ♥
♥you're the M to my M, ♥
♥you're the POP to my TART, ♥
♥you're the MILKY to my WAY, ♥
♥you're the FRUIT to my LOOP, ♥
♥you're the MILK to my DUDS, ♥
♥you're the LUCKY to my CHARMS, ♥
♥you're the ICE to my CREAM, ♥
but mostly....
♥you're the BEST to my FRIEND♥

All that being said, I wish it was true. I can't promise not to make you cry. Actually, I promise I will make you cry. If you love me, then I will make you cry. Everyone I love has made me cry. Some more than others, sometimes the tears are different kinds, but I always cry over the people I love. Maybe I just cry a lot?
Trusting you is something different... I can promise that I'll trust you until you prove to me that you can't be trusted, so if you promise to always be trustworthy, then I promise to always trust you.
I can't promise not to lie. I'm human. I lie even when I don't know I'm doing it. "Are you ok?" "yes." No. Often times it's no. Or "I don't know" when it's no. Or even "No." when I know that I'll make it through, so of course I'm ok. I can only try not to lie and try to always tell you what I'm thinking.
Promising you forever. That's dangerous. There are different kinds of forever. I can promise that I'll remember you forever, definitely, but I don't know if I can promise to always be there for you forever.
I can try to promise you tonight, but I still live at home. There's no telling what my parents will do or say that may change what I thought I was going to do with my night.
I can promise you my respect unless you do something to make me lose it for you. There are lots of things that a person can do that will make me lose respect for them. I suppose it takes a really -big- thing to make me lose all respect though.
"I promise to do things right" That one... I can't get past that one. NO WAY. Some of these other ones, I can try to always trust you, I can promise you that I want forever, but I -can not- promise you that I'll do things right. I mess up. A lot. I can't promise anyone that I'll do things right. The only thing I can promise here is that I -will- mess up. I will make mistakes and I will hurt you. For that I'm truly sorry.
Promising to always be there. No. I can't do that either. I can promise to try to be there, but I guarantee that I won't always be.
I promise until the end. That's like promising forever. It's the same thing.
"I promise to be your best friend" is actually something that I have no control over. I can be the best friend I know how to be and try to love you more than anyone else, and maybe I will, but -you- choose who your best friends are, and there's no saying that you won't find someone better than me.
The -only- thing that I can promise is that our friendship is my life. Well no... You have to think about that one. I have so many different worlds, there's the family world and the Audrey world and the John world and the fife and drum world and the basketball word and the cheerleading world and the 4-H world and all these other worlds. I don't know exactly what would happen if very many of these worlds colided... The Audrey world crashed witht he fife and drum world recently, and I was very scared of what would happen. My life is like that. I have the life where I live in the John world. I have the life where I live in the 4-H world. Lose any of those worlds, and that life is also dead. However, if you say that my "life" means the time I have on Earth, all of it, no matter what world I'm in, then I know that if I lost you I would still keep going. That's what I would have to do, and I would do it. I would be heartbroken and crushed, but I would keep going.
All of those promises up there, they don't mean a thing. I try to be very careful with what I promise. One thing I can promise? I can promise that I love you.♥

Three things

Firstly, six months is both a very long time and a very short time. Just figured I'd throw that one out there. Second, if you don't need to have your phone on silent, why not leave the ringer on? If you don't you might miss important calls because you're sleeping. Three, the sunrise is stinking amazing.
Audrey's over, at my grandparents. We were going to have a movie marathon type deal, but stupid stuff was happening with my parents and by the time we figured out what we were doing it was... like 10:30. anywho, we did watch three movies, the whole point of her coming over was so we could watch Elizabethtown and when I turned it on she remembered that she'd already seen it with Tracie=P That was sad. Anywho, we watched a movie and then I gave her bangs. That was scary. She trimmed my hair as well and I don't know if I like it yet... Anywho, we also dyed our hair this strange purple color that will wash out in about a week. I like it. It didn't show up on my much but it's working much better now. Anywho, watched movies and then we caught the sunrise which was -amazing-. Nearly fell asleep watching or "scary" movie, so after it was over we crashed. That was around 7:30. At 8:30 I missed a call that I really -really- didn't want to miss, because my ringer was off. I turned it on, but I'm not going to get another call so it would be pointless. Anyways, Audrey's getting done with what she's doing so I ought so go.

Graduation

I feel the need to post. I'm feeling very... strange tonight, which isn't entirely strange... Lol. Graduation. Moving on from high school. Not even necessarily graduation from high school, but also from other things. Some people say you "graduated from diapers" or you "graduated to solid food". Then there's all the school that you do. So much of your childhood spent on learning things, so that you can grow up and find something you want to do, and forget everything you learned that you don't need for that something. Graduation from high school is a bit different. People move away, they go to colleges. Some people don't, and they sit around at home not knowing what to do with their lives. What of the people who aren't moving away and already know what they want to do? How easy is it for them? I imagine that it would be terribly easy, but I'm sure it's not. Graduation being the moving on from high school is scary. Moving on from anything you've done for any length of time is scary. What of when your friends are graduating? It's not only scary for the person receiving the diploma, but also for their friends. They don't know what's going to happen, or if their high school friends will just slip into the past. You'd like to think that would never happen, especially with some people, but you never know. You like to think that you'll be friends forever, but that's not a guaranteed thing in this life. I suppose all you can do is try to stay in contact even after they've moved on without you, and trust that they love you enough to remember. You'll follow pretty soon.
It happens so often that I don't know what I'm going to type until I've done it. How was I to know that all those thoughts were swirling in my head, waiting to be let out?