I think I'm kinda stupid...

I think there's something very wrong with me. I just spent an hour or so working on this shirt so I can actually wear it (it was a tube top and I needed straps) anywhere besides outside, and then put it on, and decided I didn't actually know if I liked it all that much after all. I know I have a ton of work to do, yet I never do it. I spend all this time telling people about how I don't have enough time. I hate messy rooms, yet mine seems to be in a constant state of mess. I get bored and decide there's nothing to do, even though there are a million things I should be doing. I post this on blogger instead of doing them.

Pointless

I need to post... But I don't have anything I really want to say. I need to clean my room... It's really really gross at the moment. So... I'm going to take a shower instead! Lol

Worth

Sometimes I wonder if I'm worth it.
If I'm worth the pain it took
To bring me into the world.
Or worth the time taken
To make sure I didn't die
While I was too little to take care of myself.
Or the money it takes
Every day
To take care of me and make me happy.
I sometimes wonder if it's worth it
To listen to me cry
And listen to me yell and scream.
Does the laughter make it ok?
Is it worth it
For people to wait for me
To figure out what's going on in my life?
I sometimes wonder if I'm worth waiting for.
I sometimes wonder if it's worth it
To be there for me
When I'm so rarely there for you.
When I give you the silent treatment.
Does it work the same both ways?
It's totally worth it when you scream at me.
Just because I know in the back of your mind
You're thinking "I love you."
Am I worth it?
Am I worth all the pain and trials and tears
When all you get is a silent "I love you, too"
Maybe spoken if you're lucky.
Is it worth it to try and figure out the deeper meaning of my thoughts?
Like the fact that this one isn't about what it seems?
Not really.
Am I worth anything?
I know I'm worth something,
Jesus died for me.
He would have even if it had been -just me-
But humanly speaking,
Am I worth your wait?

Ok.

So today I got in trouble... I think I might be grounded, actually. I know I was allowed to drive to Attica earlier today. Basically I went on a really long walk in my housecoat in the snow, got soaking wet, neighbor saw me and was concerned, told Mom, Mom came and got me, I got in trouble. Ouch. I don't know that I'm still in huge trouble though. I was actually very happy though. I had a very long conversation with my daddy God so I honestly didn't even know I was wet or that I had walked as far as I did. *shrug* It's going to be ok.

One more day.

Last night I had a crazy dream.
A wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything.
I didnt ask for money,
Or a mansion in malibu.
I simply wished, for one more day with you.


One more day,
One more time,
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied.
But then again,
I know what it would do.
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you.


First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl.
Then I'd unplug the telephone,
And keep the TV off.
I'd hold you every second,
Say a million "I love you"s.
Thats what Id do, with one more day with you.

One more day,
One more time.
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied.
But then again,
I know what it would do.
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you.

Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day

Me

I had something specific to post... I can't remember what it was. But I thought of something else. People get so concerned about little things. I played with a picture and got five concerned comments on it. It was described as "Really extremely disturbing" and I was told I was going emo. Also that it was scary. I did not make this picture to be any of those things, and I actually find it slightly amusing that it's causing such chaos with friend people. Don't get me wrong, it's nice that they're concerned for my well being, but I didn't mean to make them concerned.
Another thing that actually follows that slightly... Not hugely, but slightly, is this: (And it only follows because of my strange thought train.) How much have I actually changed over the last year? I went to my first archery meeting last night, and upon walking in, Kelsey said "Hannah? You look so pretty! I like your hair." and continued to ask questions about Mark, who goes to her school. I continued, not really interacting with people, just because that's how I am sometimes. After being there for probably fifteen minutes, Andy (Spork) starts staring at me. I didn't find that so strange, him being who he is, but then he said "Are you... Rachael's sister?" I didn't know exactly what he was doing, I thought he was trying to be funny, but Melissa said "It's Hannah, duh!" Andy then exclaimed "Holy Hell you've changed!!!" Normally I wouldn't quote exact words, but it was so shocking that I feel I must. I was more than slightly weirded out by this. Eric then said that he hadn't known who I was at first, either, but he figured it out (seeing as I came in with James and went straight to Rachael, it just makes sense.) So it leaves me wondering what happened? I saw these people last July, and since then I have changed so much that they didn't know who I was? After thinking about it some, I realized that I have changed a lot. I didn't realize it carried over into my looks though. Some big things though, I was wearing black jeans instead of blue. I was wearing a black jacket instead of my trademark orange hoodie. I was not wearing makeup. Sometime since I last saw them I figured out that I have curly hair. I got bangs. My hair was down, which is not normal at all, if you knew me last year. I was also hiding behind my hair. I pulled my hair back and asked Eric if that was better and he said "No, not really... It's your face." Interesting. It's like a tree. If you see it changing, you live with it, you watch it grow, you don't notice that it's getting so much bigger. If you go away for five years and then come back, you will notice big changes. Perhaps new names carved into it or a branch missing from a storm. These are things that you wouldn't notice if you saw them happening. This is why Rachael didn't know what they were talking about, Audrey thought it weird, and I was confused.
There's the thing I couldn't remember from earlier. Last night I got home and put my hair in a ponytail, something I've really only been doing at night recently, or when I really need to think. Anyways, I did that so I could wash my face. I went into the bathroom and just glanced up at the mirror and went "whoah!" It was strange seeing all of my face like that. I thought, and I realized that it's actually been a very long time since I've seen my whole face. I wasn't exactly sure what I thought about it.

Repost.

This is old, but it keeps running through my mind, so I decided a repost was in order.

I want to go back to the age of ten,
When now was now,
and then was then,
I wanna go back to when takout food,
was a special treat,
and going out as a family,
wasn't out of the ordinary.
I wanna go back to the time,
of pink bikes with blue horns,
to the time when talking to mom and dad,
wasn't a big issue,
and it wasn't neccesary,
to have a family meeting,
to tell people something,
I want to go back,
to when sisters were best friends,
to when boys were just people,
to make mudpies with.
I want to go back,
to when teenager stuff was,
"bad". And kid stuff
was normal,
and not childish.
I want to go back to when,
getting on the computer,
was a big deal,
and getting email,
was even bigger.
I want to go back,
to when Mom was happy,
and Dad was always home.
To pancakes,
every Saturday morning.
To when friends were always true,
and never stabbed you,
in the back.
Oh how I miss,
those days of being young.
The days when saying something stupid
didn't mean you couldn't be talked to.
Oh I wanna go back,
to when Friday night,
meant homemade pizza,
and being homeschooled,
didn't mean anything,
except more playtime.
Oh I wanna go back,
to when parents were heros,
and not people
you didn't want to hang out with.
Oh how I wanna go back,
the the time when learning something new,
meant a gold star,
on your worksheet.
To when being hyper,
didn't scare people.
Oh I wanna go back,
to when we went places,
as a family,
not seperate groups.
Oh I wanna GO BACK!
to kiddy rides,
and jelly shoes.
Oh how I wish,
I could just stop this time,
and rewind to the time,
when people were happy,
just to be with me.
And how I wanna stay there
and never come back,
but that will never happen.
You can't stop time.
You can't rewind.
You can't go back to happier times.
I just have to stay here,
in the world as it is,
You can never go back.
Never,
never.
Never go back.

It finally happened. I died.

Here's to accusations.

Here's to accusations.
To getting in trouble.
To sneaking around.
To lying.
To cheating.
To doing the wrong thing.
Here's so accusations.
To libraries.
To parks.
To trees.
To practice.
To long walks.
Here's to accusations.
To happiness.
To joy.
To a fantastic day.
To nothing going wrong.
To purity.
Here's to accusations.
To failure.
To defeat.
To tears.
To pain.
To sadness.
Here's to accusations.
To bitterness.
To anger.
To fighting.
To silence.
To invisibility.
Here's to accusations.
Here's to accusations.

By the way, I didn't do anything.

Farenheit 451

I've been reading the same book for almost ten months now. Guess what I did today? I FINISHED!!! =D Now I don't know what I'm going to do... I can actually read other things without feeling guilty. Lol. It was a good book, though, just really hard to get through. I'm glad I finally got it done.

Time

Stopping time
is something that can't be done
You can take the battery out of a clock
Or pretend you don't have to be somewhere
doing something
But you can't stop time.
Time moves on, forever.
If you want it to or not.
So many times I've wanted to stop
To not move on.
The fear of tomorrow
Heavy.
But I'll get through it
Time will still pass
Even if this moment
Feels like forever,
Time still passes.
Even if you want it to stop
You will it to stop
You beg, and plead with it to stop.
So you can fly away.
Say to that shooting star
"Take me with you."
There are some things you just can't do.
Some things people tell you
are impossible.
Some things you try to do anyways.

Parents

Parents can be very confusing. Just thought I'd let you know that=P