This ponderation has been on my mind quite a bit recently, as it seems to keep coming up, in one form or another, spoken and unspoken, in notes of my Facebook friends. Thus, I have decided to open the "can of worms" myself; but I hope to offer insight, food for thought, and an opportunity for discussion.
American culture teaches us that "love" is an irrational thing that comes upon and leaves a person, or persons, at random, and in its wake leaves fields of disaster or happily-ever-afters.
Continually we get bombarded by the media with the idea that "love" equals wild, insane sex.
Some argue that "love" extends purely from reason and will, and by actions of goodwill, "love" is given birth.
Others say that both sorts of "love" have to be involved.
Most everybody feels pretty confused. But the Truth is that the Love of our God the Creator is so much bigger and fuller and deeper than any of us have even one hope of fully comprehending; something so great, it encompasses every definition of Love and overflows beyond.
The Bible is quite clear that there are different "kinds" of love. Maybe God broke down the facets of Love so we could scratch the surface of understanding. I don't know. But before we go off debating exactly what "love" is and is not, I'd like to share an excerpt from a book which really explained Love to me, and helped me actually get a grasp on its intertwined vastness.
The book is "Love Life for Every Married Couple" by Dr. Ed Wheat. Yes, Dr. Wheat is known for his books on marital intimacy. Of course, sex is discussed in this excerpt, as it is an essential aspect of marital love. We should not blush when a thing God created is pictured in its intended form. Nevertheless, I have edited out a couple of paragraphs that are unneccessary to the unmarried.
Granted, this particular book was written regarding the marriage state. But it cuts so clearly to the root and foundation of marriage -- Love-- it is one of the best discussions of the topic I've encountered. In this explanation of each of the five kinds of love -
epithumia, eros, storge, phileo and
agape - I hope I am correct in thinking that Truth can be gleaned and applied to other relationship types, for truly... Love should be the foundation for all our relationships. And by the way... even in supposed friendship, it is alarming to take an honest look and sometimes see that the kind of need we are trying to fill, is not necessarily one that ought to be filled by our friends.
Finally, I hope that if you feel you are mature enough for this material, that you may also picture a slight glimpse of what marriage ought to be. I believe it benefits a young person to recognize that "there is a time and a place for everything." Sadly, our views of what days and seasons are proper are often distorted by the cultural pressures we deal with every single day.
"Love Life for Every Married Couple by Dr. Ed Wheat, M.D. and Gloria Okes Perkins
"Copyright 1980, Zondervan
"Chapter Five, The Five Ways of Loving"
"The English word
love has to be one of the most unusual words in our language! It's supposedly packed with meaning, yet it seems inadequate when we really want to say something. (So much so that Edgar Allan Poe wrote, "We loved with a love that was more than love.") The word is overworked. Some dictionaries list as many as twenty-five meanings for love, and we're apt to use them all in our everyday conversation.
Just having the one word for everything leads to confusion and absurd comparisons. For example, we love our lifelong sweetheart. But we also love fried chicken or quiche Lorraine, thus comparing our marriage partner of thirty years to a French cheese pie! We love our parents and our children. But we also love books or football or skiing vacations, apparently putting Mom and Dad on par with a weekend at Vail, or little Johnny in competition with the Dallas Cowboys. We love freedom, surely a thing more precious than the shiny machine in the driveway. But we *love* that new car; also we love our pet cat and a certain record album we bought last week. Not only do we love Jesus Christ, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, but we "just love Robert Redford" -- or Bob Hope. It all adds up to careless talk and, sometimes, fuzzy thought.
The confusion increases when we read books that have love as their theme. One author speaks of love, and we find that he really means sexual attraction. Another apparently is referring to an abstract ideal. Still another writes of romance. And another of intense family loyalties. The fifth author describes an undying friendship in dramatic terms. Evidently each writer has a different relationship in view. Yet they all use the same word to define the relationship -- love.
Fortunately, in writing a book about love in marriage, we can call upon the precise language of the Greek New Testament for help. As one expert pointed out, 'Greek is a very subtle language, full of delicately modifying words, capable of the finest distinctions of meaning." The Greeks of the New Testament era had at least five words that we can use to distinguish and describe the various aspects of love in marriage.
As I give you these five Greek words and their meaning in marriage, remember that this is not a language exercise, but a practical explanation of what love-life in marriage should be when love is finding its full expression in the relationship.
By the way, there can be no such thing as window shopping here. You cannot pick and choose the kind of love you prefer and discard the others. Each builds on the other. Each has its own special, significant place, as you will find when you begin putting all of these loves into practice in your marriage. But if they are quite distinctive, they are also interrelated so that the physical, emotional, and spiritual processes overlap and reinforce each other in the act of loving.
The first facet of love we will consider is suggested by a Greek word that the Bible never calls love. However, it describes a very important aspect of the love affair between husband and wife. This word is
epithumia, a strong desire of any kind -- sometimes good, sometimes bad. It means to set the heart on; long for, rightfully or otherwise; or it can mean to covet. When used in the Bible in a negative way, it is translated lust. When used in a positive way, it is translated
desire, and this is the meaning we refer to. In marriage, husband and wife should have a strong physical desire for each other that expresses itself in pleasurable sexual lovemaking.
Sex is not the most important aspect of your relationship, but it is a definite indicator of the health of your marriage. [The remainder of this section omitted].
The next aspect of love to be discussed comes from a familiar Greek word that does not appear in the New Testament, although its Hebrew counterpart is used in the Old Testament. I am speaking of
eros, the love that, more than any other kind, carries with it the idea of romance. We might think of
eros as totally fleshly because of our English word "erotic," but this is not the case.
Eros is not always sensual, but it includes the idea of yearning to unite with and the desire to possess the beloved.
Eros is romantic, passionate, and sentimental. It is often the starting point for marriage, being the kind of love that lovers fall into and write songs and poetry about. It has been called rapture...exquisite pleasure...strong, sweet, and terrifying because it is so all-absorbing.
Eros has a problem, however. It needs help because it is changeable and cannot last a lifetime all by itself.
Eros wants to promise that the relationship will last forever, but
Eros cannot keep that promise alone.
At this point we need to draw a line between foolish temporary infatuations and the true romantic love to be found in a God-designed marriage. Infatuation has been defined as an emotional and fleshly response to false impressions or mere externals of another that have been overvalued or lusted after. By contrast, genuine falling in love is a spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical response to the actual character and total being of another who embodies attributes long sought and admired.
Eros love, when enjoyed in the lasting context of Christian marriage, offers wonderful emotions and personal rewards that are the gift and creation of God Himself. This kind of love is wholly emotional and cannot be summoned at will, but it appears as a sure response when all the other loves of marriage are set in motion. You will experience
eros love in a rich, mature, particularly joyous form when you have mastered the art of loving. More than any other kind of love,
eros transforms a mundane black-and-white existence into glorious living technicolor. It is a delightful part of the love-life designed for marriage.
The third love of marriage, characterized by the Greek word
storge, could be described as a comfortable old-shoe relationship comprised of natural affection and a sense of belonging to each other. This love, referred to several times in the New Testament, is the kind of love shared by parents and children or brothers and sisters; the kind of love Robert Frost described when he called
home "the place where, when you go there, they have to take you in...something you don't have to deserve."
Storge love in marriage meets the need we all have to belong, to be part of a close-knit circle where people care and give the utmost loyalty to each other. When the world shows itself as a cold, hard place,
storge offers emotional refuge. The marriage lacking this quality of love is like the house without a roof, where the rains can pour in. But when present,
storge provides an atmosphere of security in which the other loves of marriage can safely dwell and flourish.
The fourth love of marriage is described by the Greek verb
phileo, which often appears in the New Testament. We will be using the verb form as a noun in this discussion because it is the more familiar term to readers.
Phileo cherishes and has tender affection for the beloved, but always expects a response. It is a love of relationship -- comradeship, sharing, communication, friendship. While
eros makes lovers,
phileo makes dear friends who enjoy closeness and companionship. They share each other's thoughts, feelings, attitudes, plans, and dreams -- the most intimate things they would share with no one else. They also share time and interests. Obviously, it takes two for the full enjoyment of
phileo, but if you are seeking to restore love to your marriage without much cooperation from your partner, you can aim for
phileo on your part, looking forward to an eventual response when biblical concepts have been put into practice. A marriage without
phileo will be unsatisfactory, even if there is plenty of passion in the bedroom. A marriage with
phileo is sure to be interesting and rewarding.
We are moving from the physical to the spiritual in considering the five ways of loving. I have saved the best for last:
agape, the totally unselfish love that has the capacity to give and to keep on giving without expecting in return.
Agape values and serves in contrast to
phileo, which cherishes and enjoys. The New Testament often speaks of
agape, for it was this love that prompted Christ to come to earth as a man on our behalf. God loves all mankind with an
agape love. In addition, He has
phileo love for those who are in relationship with Him through Christ Jesus.
Agape love is of particular significance to those of you who right now are trying to save your marriage and restore the love you lost. Of all the loves,
agape is the one you can bring into your marriage immediately, because it is exercised as a choice of your will and has no dependence on feelings. It is a love of action, not emotion. It focuses on what you do and say rather than how you feel.
C.S. Lewis showed us the difference between
agape and the natural loves by using the picture of a garden. He described the natural loves as a garden that would soon run to weeds if left alone. This is inevitable because of self-centeredness, willfulness, and the other sins resulting from the Fall.
Agape love acts as the rakes, hoes, shears, plant food, and weed killer employed by a skilled gardener to keep the garden thriving, orderly, and beautiful. When God planted the garden of our nature and caused the flowering, fruiting loves to grow there, He set our will to tend them, to watch over them and care for them as a wise gardener should. This operation of the will is
agape love -- a knowledgeable and skillful love always concerned with doing what is best for the beloved.
A marriage possessing
agape love can survive anything! It is
agape that keeps a marriage going when the natural loves falter and die. In
Gone With the Wind we have the classic picture of an intense, longlasting, natural love finally ending. The parting scene of Rhett Butler and Scarlet O'Hara has passed into American folklore...Rhett Butler forever at the door saying with complete and final indifference, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!" We may not care for his language, but we all understand what he is saying: that even the strongest natural love has to end eventually when there is no response.
But
agape love is different. This is the one of the most exciting truths in all of Scripture.
Agape love is plugged into an eternal power source, and it can go on operating when every other kind of love fails. Not only that! It loves, no matter what. No matter how unlovable the other person is,
agape can keep on flowing.
Agape is as unconditional as God's love for us. It is a mental attitude based on a deliberate choice of the will, and so you can choose right now to begin to love your mate with an
agape love, no matter how much indifference or rejection you must face.
