well hi. I've had a thoroughly bad week. Had co op on tuesday, didn't have my homework done so i was in trouble, wednsday i had to go to the zoo for caspian's birthday, (he's two) thursday i don't even know where i was, but i wasn't home, friday i had a game and we left way early for it, saturday i had to go shopping with mom, sunday i cleaned the yard, monday i cleaned the yard then felt like a retard because they just loaded all these new songs on me that i don't know and everyone kept telling me "good job" which doens't help when i know perfectly well i did terrible.
I havn't been able to find anything for my stupid debate class, I have my first game tonight, ooh boy, I'm so excited about losing, because quite honestly we're not good. people keep saying stuff about "you wanna be with varsity so you have to start with jv" well, no actually, i won't be doing varsity even if i get good enough, think about it --> play with jv, or sit on the bench with varsity. Besides that i don't really like the coach on that team, there's way too much pressure to win and stuff, you know? audrey and chris are becoming the best friends ever, apparently he's not too busy to talk to her but the one time i get on all week he's too busy for me. do you know what that feels like? it feels like... idk what. not good. my stupid hand wasn't working very well last night, it was annoying, that was partially why i couldn't do anything with my snare so it was dumb. i should have gone to the jr. leader meeting, it would have been fun at least. Know what it seems like? it seems like yeah, i've got some good friends, but they all have someone else if they want to talk, i don't really matter. audrey=kori, jon, elaine, whoever else at school or wherever. Chris=audrey, brian, namita, he's got a lot of friends. mark=shara, fherra. i have a basic routine these days, get up, listen to the radio a little, get on the computer and work on debate junk, clean the yard, go wherever i have at night, get home, try to read stuff for school, cry, sleep. i need a hug. and i need a person who i can talk to, right when i need them. i usually need someone at around 11 at night, too late to call. I cry entirely too much these days.
the thing with my one friend, she's so depressed all the time, and she tries to fake this happiness. it makes me cry. that's a lot of what makes me cry every night, knowing that she's hurting and that i can't help her. it's probably stupid for me to put this on here, where anyone can see it, but i don't really write in my normal journal anymore so this is the closest thing. if you don't like it, don't read it. audrey's really the only one who does anyways so. why do i even bother? most people my age are either stupid or not worth knowing. i'll just become totally dedicated to my schoolwork... haha. yeah right, i need friends. it doesn't help ruth always saying stuff like "i didn't have really good friends until i was about your age either" i had really good friends. i had the best friends anyone could ask for and then i don't know what happened. school started, everyone got busy, no time for people anymore. i guess. Anywho, i suppose I'll have to go. I'm trying to find music so i don't have to buy it and junk. Laters